You know you are an addict when...

It is the last day of finals, you have two finals left to take, and you spend an hour and ten minutes in the school library's bathroom masturbating.

Not a good feeling afterwards. Feel really lousy (wasted time, relapsing again…etc.)

Close call on Day 3 of sobriety

Just had a close call. I wasn't being productive in getting homework done, studying, nor doing any of the priorities I've set aside for myself (mentioned in previous post). I had spent a lot of time trying to get a tutor for one of my classes, which was fine, however after that I didn't get right to the priorities. I wasn't just wasting time, I actually was doing some good things that I will need to do eventually, but the problem is I wasn't doing the things that needed to be done first. I was procrastinating. And its when I'm procrastinating that I am often triggered. I had the temptation to look at pornography while here in the library on campus. I chose not to however. However, I as I prepared to get on homework I had to use the restroom.

It was while I was in the restroom I had the close call. I was very tempted to masturbate. My thoughts started to wander on the borders of fantasizing. And I started to have what Patrick Carnes Phd called "delusional thinking," where I started thinking about how I could find a girl to hook up with later tonight and do immoral acts with her…it's kind of like wishful thinking, but when in that moment you believe its totally possible and will happen. You may be asking, "well couldn't you hook up with a girl?" and the answer is yes, but finding that kind of girl(because I don't know any personally) would be more difficult than I make it while in that delusional state.

I prayed for help, and the good news is help came. As I started to fantasize in my head, which usually leads to acting out there in the bathroom, I suddenly thought, "and what happens after this?" (thinking of what would actually happen if I were to carry out the fantasy). The next thought was, "nothing. this random girl would go her separate way and so would I. There would be no happiness, only sadness and despair." I then after a moment of hesitation got up from the toilet and after washing my hands leave the bathroom.

This is significant because it is not very often that when I start fantasizing I can see reality. Usually reality is impaired and all that matters is that moment and that moment only. I am grateful to my Father and Heaven for allowing my mind to see past the fog/mists of the adversary.

2 Good Days of disciplined decisions

The past two days have been great recovery wise. I am grateful for the principle I learned in my religion class here at BYU. The principle taught by Elder Oaks: to fill the role of we have been given, instead of trying to shrink the role(calling, job, recovery, etc) to be convenient to our circumstances.

I had been putting school before recovery. I often didn't go to meetings because I still had homework to be done, or a test to study for. I had to sit back and look at what my priorities were. What is more important, getting an A or B in a class, or recovering back to a healthy life of confidence, peace, and manageability? Besides, the reasons I often didn't have homework done were effects of addictive behavior.

So I decided to put recovery before school. I made a list of priorities: Morning and evening prayer, daily scripture study, daily work of the 12 steps, 12 step recovery meeting attendance(haven't specified how many days a week I want to be part of that commitment yet), bed before 11pm(critical for me), no TV, and no social media sites(i'm addicted to these and it wastes a lot of time.) I then made a checklist out of these. The checklist is not an ends in of itself though, which was very important for me to learn. The checklist is merely a way to chart my progress of "becoming." Becoming a more disciplined person and becoming more like Christ. Each disciplined decision I make brings me that much closer to becoming a disciplined person.

My last 3 days look like this:

*Note: The "no byu articles" is referring to BYU football and basketball articles. There are a couple of website that list a ton of news articles about BYU sports etc. every day and once I start reading one article I read them all.