Thursday, November 6, 2014

The discouragement/depression after relapse

I'm posting because I need to share what I'm feeling. Perhaps it will help someone understand what it is like for those addicted to pornography/masturbation/sex (sexual addiction).

After 5 days of sobriety, on day 6 I relapsed. I started the 90 day program ( which was helping a lot. It helped me to choose against the impulsive/habitual masturbation and pornography viewing I've been doing daily. But when a Lust Craving came, I went for it. I didn't reach out to anyone. The desire was so strong.

In looking back at what I could have done I wonder, "How can I stop doing something that I want!?" Or I should say "want in the moment."

An insight that came was, in those moments not wanting to act out just because it is "wrong" won't be a strong enough reason to stop. I have to want to stop for ME. I have to want to stop because it is in my best interest. Basically I have to have a stronger desire to NOT WANT TO act out despite the cravings as opposed to "resisting." Because you can't resist something you want so strongly.

How can I get to this point where I can, in the moment, remember that pornography, noncommittal making out, masturbation, and any other form of lust does not serve me well? This is a question I must ponder.

I'm going to add more to this about the discouragement I am feeling right now at a later time, but going to publish it for now.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. Being married, I had to learn to resist for myself instead of my wife. But in addition to that, I needed to learn to resist for God, and not just myself. I still struggle with it. It's hard to get to that point where you're on a roll, so to speak. But you'll get there if you keep trying :)

  2. You can't. In that moment when you are about to do it or not, your an addict. Addicts act on their addiction. It's impossible not to. Im not in recovery, I've got 9 months of sobriety, (my longest ever) so I can't tell you what someone with years of genuine recovery can tell you. But I can't even GET to the point where I'm looking at pornography, (not just nudity, but provocatively dressed, bikini clad women, etc) because if Im at that point I AM GOING TO ACT OUT. It's guaranteed. In fact, even if I'm not physically masturbating, I'm acting out in my head, because the real addiction I'm feeling is to lust, and just looking at the images (heck even entertaining the thoughts) is producing the same chemical response in my body as what would happen with physical masturbation. So I have to stop myself BEFORE I get to that point. For me, its any way I'm trying to escape my emotions or reality. That's when I'm in danger of relapse, even if I don't actively feel like looking at porn. If work sucks and I don't want to be doing it, my mind instantly wants to go elsewhere, daydreaming, which will lead to fantasizing, which will lead to browsing semi bad stuff, which will lead to looking at bad stuff, which will lead to physically acting out. I cannot run from my painful feelings. I have to accept them and call someone to help me understand them. is an excellent place to find out what you can do. Or the book "Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a BattleShip" is the best book I've ever read that's helped me make it to this point thus far. Hope your feeling in a better place.