Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Close call on Day 3 of sobriety
Just had a close call. I wasn't being productive in getting homework done, studying, nor doing any of the priorities I've set aside for myself (mentioned in previous post). I had spent a lot of time trying to get a tutor for one of my classes, which was fine, however after that I didn't get right to the priorities. I wasn't just wasting time, I actually was doing some good things that I will need to do eventually, but the problem is I wasn't doing the things that needed to be done first. I was procrastinating. And its when I'm procrastinating that I am often triggered. I had the temptation to look at pornography while here in the library on campus. I chose not to however. However, I as I prepared to get on homework I had to use the restroom.
It was while I was in the restroom I had the close call. I was very tempted to masturbate. My thoughts started to wander on the borders of fantasizing. And I started to have what Patrick Carnes Phd called "delusional thinking," where I started thinking about how I could find a girl to hook up with later tonight and do immoral acts with her…it's kind of like wishful thinking, but when in that moment you believe its totally possible and will happen. You may be asking, "well couldn't you hook up with a girl?" and the answer is yes, but finding that kind of girl(because I don't know any personally) would be more difficult than I make it while in that delusional state.
I prayed for help, and the good news is help came. As I started to fantasize in my head, which usually leads to acting out there in the bathroom, I suddenly thought, "and what happens after this?" (thinking of what would actually happen if I were to carry out the fantasy). The next thought was, "nothing. this random girl would go her separate way and so would I. There would be no happiness, only sadness and despair." I then after a moment of hesitation got up from the toilet and after washing my hands leave the bathroom.
This is significant because it is not very often that when I start fantasizing I can see reality. Usually reality is impaired and all that matters is that moment and that moment only. I am grateful to my Father and Heaven for allowing my mind to see past the fog/mists of the adversary.